Questions we should ask ourselves regularly

Today is the 7th anniversary of my post titled Confronting the things that one need to confront, where I talk about a set of 3 beautiful questions helps to take stock of the situation and move forward. I've adopted these questions as a part of my yearly review of myself since 2019 (and also tailored it to my job needs). Worth repeating those 3 along with a bonus one I heard on some podcast.

• What are those things that I ought to say, but not saying? 
• What are those things that I'm saying but that is not being heard?
• What are those things that are being said, but I'm not hearing?
• What are those things that I'm hearing, but that are not said at all!?

Career Goals vs Life Goals

Two weeks ago, I had a very intense discussion with a friend who sought my advice on a career move he was contemplating. His, lets call him Sri, dilemma is this - he is working in a very good role in an MNC that is very well known, but on a technology that is not cutting edge. He is well recognised for his technical contributions, respected by juniors and the company pays him well. There really isn't any reason for him to move. However, he was drawn into a new opportunity in a company not as reputed as his current one, will in probability struggle to match his current salary. But the opportunity is unique and in a cutting edge technology and seem to provide a faster path to become a CTO. However, he understands he has to give his everything over the next few years.

I regularly get requests to advice on such or variant of such things and I've personally "been there and done that". I usually have only two questions:

1. How badly do you want the prize whatever it is (being a CTO in Sri's case)?
2. What is the impact of it on your other/life goals?

I've read things like only 3% of the people have written goals. But my experience is that even in those 3%, only a small set will have goals that cover all aspects of life. I've been pretty big on having written goals for myself, but it is only in the last 1-2 years I've come to realise the need to look everything from the prism of "life goals" and not just from a single perspective (usually, career goals for achievement oriented people).

Sri immediately got it and said he'd work on writing down his "life goals" before taking a call on his career move and then talk to me again. My guess is that the moment he sets his "life goals", answers would be very clear to him and that the said meeting will not happen and even if it happens, it will not be for further advice - he will probably be telling his decision and how we arrived at it. And I'd be patting my own back for a job well done!

This is perhaps what Stephen Covey asks "Is your ladder leaning against the right wall?". He asks us to make sure that we say an emphatic yes to the above question, before we start climbing the steps.

Now, are you in the 3% that have written goals or in the majority? Does these goals cover all aspects of life? If not, why not? If not now, then when?

Confronting the things that one need to confront

A mentor of mine gave me these questions that I should be asking regularly on areas that are causing pain. In other words he offered me this framework that he himself had gotten from a psychologist and he has found it useful. I'll now add this to my yearly review (apart from using to help me confront those things that I need to take head-on).

• What are those things that I ought to say, but not saying? 
• What are those things that I'm saying but that is not being heard?
• What are those things that are being said, but I'm not hearing?

Beautiful questions isn't it. The first one pushes us to take the bold step that we have been, for whatever reasons avoiding. Second one makes us evaluate the story, words, tone, medium, time, place etc., that we may have to change to be heard. Finally the third one makes it a point to question our own listening and/or interpretation of things that are being said.

Notice that in all the questions the responsibility is on us and we aren't blaming anyone - often the first step in correcting something.

What other questions you might be using to confront the things that need to be confronted?

Are your life priorties right?

Ric Elias: 3 things I learned while my plane crashed | TED Talk

Ric Elias had a front-row seat on Flight 1549, the plane that crash-landed in the Hudson River in New York in January 2009. Great way to start a Monday morning reflecting on our current priorities even as Ric Elias shares what he learned.

Has your new year resolutions started falling off already?

Hopefully you made some new year resolutions this Jan too (however cliched they might be). Perhaps you are noticing that the intensity has started dropping back and you are getting worried that the stories of several years might repeat again. Is it happening? How do you plan to cope with it? What are your suggestions for rest of us?

Want to make 2018 little different?

Last year I urged you all to take just two initiatives in 2017. One was setting goals and the second one was getting a mentor. Hope you did both. In case you were not able to find a mentor, I have some good news for new. Tim Ferris celebrated author, entrepreneur and public speaker (many of his podcastshave been ranked #1), has come up with a new book titled "Tribe of Mentors: Short Life Advice from the Best in the World". He has gone and asked the same 10-12 questions to over 100  very successful people who have gladly shared what has worked for them (I'm reading this book in office - one mentor a day, so you may find my copy on my desk if you want to take a look for yourself). 

Why one mentor, we now have access to hundreds of them. Wishing you every success in 2018.

Here's what the book is all about:

When facing life’s questions, who do you turn to for advice? We all need mentors, particularly when the odds seem stacked against us. To find his own, bestselling author and podcast guru Tim Ferriss tracked down more than 100 eclectic experts to help him, and you, navigate life. Through short, action-packed profiles, he shares their secrets for success, happiness, meaning, and more. No matter the challenge or opportunity, something in these pages can help.

You will learn:

- The three books legendary investor Ray Dalio recommends most often
- Lessons and tips from elite athletes like Maria Sharapova, Kelly Slater, Tony Hawk and Dan Gable
- How and why Facebook co-founder Dustin Moskovitz says no to most incoming requests
- The meditation and mindfulness practices of David Lynch, Jimmy Fallon, Sharon Salzberg, Rick Rubin, Sarah Elizabeth Lewis and others
- The high-school loss that motivated actor Terry Crews for life . . . and how you can use the lesson
- Why TED curator Chris Anderson thinks ‘pursue your passion’ is terrible advice
- How Yuval Noah Harari’s Sapiens went from repeated rejections to global mega-bestseller
- Why comedian Patton Oswalt wishes at least one catastrophic failure on anyone in the arts
- Astrophysicist Janna Levin’s unique reframe that helps her see obstacles as opportunities
- Why actor Ben Stiller likes to dunk his head in a bucket of ice in the morning

TIM FERRISS is one of Fast Company’s ‘Most Innovative Business People’ and an early-stage tech investor/advisor in Uber, Facebook, Twitter, Alibaba and more. He is also the author of The 4-Hour Work Week, The 4-Hour Body, The 4-Hour Chef and Tools of Titans. The Observer and other media have named him ‘the Oprah of audio’ due to the influence of his podcast, The Tim Ferriss Show, which has exceeded 200 million downloads.

Autobiography in Five Chapters

Ran into this powerful poem by Portia Nelson. Sometimes life can be too much on auto pilot. As we enter the last few days of 2017, it'd be nice to ponder over what this poem means to us.

Softskills Inventory

Lot of questions to ponder this Monday morning (Courtesy: Seth Godin):

Today

Is there anything worth starting TODAY?

How Well Are You Handling Intimidators In Your Life?

As a part of my reading list for Oct'17, I just completed reading "Winning Through Intimidation: How to be the victor and not the victim, in business and life". The title is misleading, in the sense that the book doesn't teach you how to intimidate someone, but teaches how to defend against intimidators of the world. The book is full of nuggets of wisdom, written with wit and in an easy to understand language. Over the next few posts, I'll write some of the theories the author propose and I'm sure you'd be able to relate to.

For starters, here's a quick test on how you are currently handling the intimidators you might come across (some explanation by me giving little more context for better understanding)

1. Do you often get invited to dinner, only to discover that you're the first course on the menu?
2. Do you ask your manager/spouse/neighbour/lawyer/accountant's permission before going to the rest room?
3. Are you working longer and harder hours, but just getting older?
4. Are you in awe of people who wear white hats? (Note: White hat denote a symbol of goodness; one who is admirable and honourable)
5. Do you find yourself panting whenever a Court Holder enters the room? (Note: A court holder is someone that is very charming, interested in seeking attention, makes a great first impression, sounds and acts like an expert, but in the end turns out to be an "all talk; no dough" type person)
6. Do you walk around feeling secure because so many people have told you, "Don't worry, I'll take care of you?"  
7. When your house went up in flames and the firemen came crashing through to save you, were you sitting in your favorite armchair calmly playing the fiddle?
8. Do you become easily infatuated when someone tells you what a great job you're doing?
9. Do you often wake up in reception rooms only to find that you've been sucking your thumb and playing with your yo-yo? (Note: This means whether people are making you wait endlessly to listen to you, despite their promise that they'd talk to you)
10. Do you find yourself bluffing more but walking away with less? (Note: This means whether you are issuing too many empty threats, without having the guts to see thru the same and compromising for less)

How Loyal are You?

Very early in my career a mentor drilled into my head, a few  non-negotiable virtues to follow in my professional life. One amongst them was to be loyal to oneself (and not to any organisation or a manager or a technology etc.,). It took me a while to understand and I've always strived building my career that way. I recently ran into a beautiful articulation of the concept of loyalty.

Loyalty is "about showing up, being on time, being reliable, doing what you say you’re going to do, being trustworthy, putting in a fair day’s work, respecting the work, respecting the customer, respecting the organization, respecting co-workers, not wasting time, not making work hard for other people, not creating unnecessary work for other people, not being a bottleneck, not faking work." Jason Fried, CEO of Basecamp

So this morning's question is simply this "How loyal are you?"

Have a great week!

What is holding you back?

This Monday Morning Question:

Mindset matters .... Your agreement with reality defines your life. (@SteveMaraboli).

And a bonus from Stephen Covey:

No running away!

Lets turn a bit philosophical this Monday. Dr. Jon Kabat-Zinn in his beautiful book "Wherever you go there you are", says this:

Have you ever noticed that there is no running away from anything? That, sooner or later, the things that you don't want to deal with and try to escape from, or paper over and pretend aren't there, catch up with you - especially if they have to do with old patterns and fears?

There is no successful escaping from yourself in the long run, only transformation.

So the question, again continuing on our journey of self-awareness is this "Are you aware of things you might be running away from?"

Are you a high potential?

As you'd be aware, we in NI have adopted 9-box-criteria that rates every employee on a grid of performance and potential. Most of us normally understand what is meant by performance, however, we'd need some objective way to determine the potential exhibited. I've always referred to this Harvard Business Review article Are You a High Potential? to both understand and articulate. Further, we also have adopted a set of 10 questions from a Harvard Business Study to assess the potential.

What's your dominant aspiration?

We will continue to explore the importance of self-awareness we started last week.

James Allen said "You'll become as small as your controlling desire; or as great as your dominant aspiration".

Question(s) for this week:

• Are you aware what is your dominant aspiration/dream/goal? Are you very specific? Have you written it down? What action(s) have you taken in the last day/week/month/year that is pushing you towards your dominant goal. 

Have a great week ahead!

PS: James Allen, who lived in early 1900s, is known as father of modern self-help authors and literature. His seminal work As a Man Thinketh is widely regarded as one of the most significant and early books that taught the world the importance of "thoughts" on us and how we can change our thoughts and change our destiny. I strongly recommend to read it (it is only about 60 pages, free copies available on the net). The principles outlined there are timeless and equally applicable to men and women (note that he lived in an era, where writings were not gender-neutral). Let the title do not put you off.

PPS: Let me copy-paste the the entire para from which I took the above quote from the chapter titles Vision and Ideals:

And you, too, youthful reader, will realize the Vision (not the idle wish) of your heart, be it base or beautiful, or a mixture of both, for you will always gravitate toward that which you, secretly, most love. Into your hands will be placed the exact results of your own thoughts; you will receive that which you earn; no more, no less. Whatever your present environment may be, you will fall, remain, or rise with your thoughts, your Vision, your Ideal. You will become as small as your controlling desire; as great as your dominant aspiration.

How would your top 3 friends describe you?

"Self-awareness" as a key ingredient to personal leadership is gaining prominence (just google "self-awareness and peak performance"). Many times we just simply are not aware how our actions are perceived, the effect it is having on others, our delimiting beliefs and even more importantly our strengths (or genius points as Robin Sharma puts it).

So, I've a simple question this Monday:

• "How would your top 3 friends describe you?". 

I sincerely hope you'd like the answer. And if and when you have time, just think about how your boss, spouse and a few of your peers that you closely work, might describe you.

Have a great week ahead.

Responsibility

What responsibilities are waiting to be taken and what is stopping you from taking it? What would you become if you indeed taken them up?

Teaching and Learning

Here are two questions to begin a new Monday:

• If you weren't afraid of change, what could you learn?
• And if you weren't afraid of rejection, what would you teach?

Each of us is becoming, becoming something better or something worse. And we become what we teach and what we learn.  (Source: Seth Godin)

Life Audit

I'm not a big believer of Monday Morning Motivation. It is my (very) strong belief that if you need explicit motivation to get up on a Monday morning, there is something fundamentally wrong and one has to quickly act on it. I thought it might be a good idea instead to start some tough questions that'd help get focus. For starters, I've listed a set of questions what my mentor (who gave it to me) calls life audit. I religiously go thru them in Jun and Dec which has helped me dream more, keep me grounded and get my focus  back. Happy to share it here. 

1. How is my life working out?

2. How’s my daily attitude; how happy am I?

3. How are my relationships with my family, friends, co-workers, coaches and mentors?

4. How’s my health (weight, overall wellness, self-esteem, stress levels, etc.)?

5. How effectively am I feeding my mind? (How many books have I read in the last six months? What do I wish to become? Am I studying productively?)

6. How do I rate my lifestyle (my satisfaction with activities such as travel, exploring, attending fun events, etc.)?

7. Where is my income in comparison to where I want it to be?

8. How often do I give back to others?

9. How is my goal-setting? How satisfied am I with how my goals have manifested in my life?

You could rate each of this from 1-10 (1 being lowest) and start taking actions for those that have low scores.

Do you have a set of questions that you refer regularly to keep you focussed? Would love to hear them.

The two pains

There are only two pains:

1. The pain of discipline

2. The pain of regret

The pain of discipline weighs in grams and the pain of regret weighs in tons. Choose your pains wisely.